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[Learning]

my thought of the day? getting sick of the discrimination man. it is one thing i absolutely cannot stand D:

[Baji_Me]

Why do I go though phases where I feel so empty and alone? I don't need anyone. Or am I fooling myself....maybe I do need someone ...weird.

I wonder why I find it so difficult to make friends. Or talk to people. You lot were saying that I'm being stuck up and I need to get out there more. But I don't want to. I think I'm scared. It upsets me thinking about that day. Sigh.
Gosh. I'm missing you two so much. You're so far yet closer than anyone else will ever be to me. I love you. I love you both so much.

I'm scared. I don't know what next year will bring me. It's so easy saying that I wanna do this, this, and that...but will that even happen?

And you. You are such a user. I can't believe you were this person and I didn't even realise. I can't believe that the two people I almost allowed into my life ended up being such dogs. Such liars. Who am I even supposed to trust. Sigh. What does that say about me? Am I such a shitty person that I attract shitty people, argh! All the good people in my life are from a time when I myself was good. I'm obviously just as bad as the people I know now because I am bad too but I just don't want to accept it.

I wanna go for a walk in the rain. But I know I'll get even more depressed and not get this work done.

Mum, I wanna buy you all gifts. To show you how much I appreciate everything you've done...everything you are doing. But what's the point. I know what will make you and dad happy. I know exactly what will take away your troubles. But...i can't. I can't do it....I hate myself too much. I hate people too much. I can't play happy families. Sigh....

Time for a good crying session.

[t0xy]

Just stop it.

[silenced]

...silenced

[t0xy]

iv had some dirty cough for the past four days
and my voice is going really croaky, ok fine yep i can handle it
and now iv got that achyness

no i dont wana be ill arrggghghgh

week and a half left! i cant wait. resolution to self:no arguing no being moody, and if i want to be moody i must go for long walks past the hills and sit and bake in the heat on my own. no being moody to him. i really will not screw it up this time.

tried learning swahili didn't work.

hmmm saw __________ on the way back from shopping yesterday we called her over and sat down she gave me some LONG hug man. showed her a perfume i'd bought she liked it....so....i gave it to her. I mean its no secret i dont like her family apart from her mum, like their entire family ie uncles are just trouble. absolute ghjkuhytrgfjkuhyfrtgh. but shes okay. so yeah.

iv blocked the email address on hotmail. iv had enough of it man just leave me ALONE! allow it.

we;'re doing okay i guess, well okay enough considering my moodyness and potty mouth. i need to control that. i cant keep pushing him away. why do i do that? because im running away from myself., more from habit i suppose. not from a need. so i need to stop that.

when i was a child, a toddler i used to sit in front of my mum after she finished praying and sit on her lap while she finished up her duas. I miss that.

meh.

i absolutely cannot wait for this little excursion. alhamdullilah got the tickets so cheap so yeah. rather low on money atm but thats all the better.

i dont want to tan man. im bronzed enough already lol.

wow this days gone FAST.

[silenced]

Im so fucking out of control and I fucking love it

I love rollin this shit, inhalin this shit and feelin the high

dont care if it kills me, at least i would have enjoyed my life. He's a wasteman....im doing this because of him - his arrogance pisses me off and i get so frustrated i just want to hit something. He makes me feel so small but watch after we die we will burnnnnnn together - you won't be able to hide your dutty little secret then. I want to see you standing naked and humiliated and being raped 50 times over.

Gotta be careful not to spill i know, but if someone was willing to believe me, I will describe your dick to them. I can go in detail man..... i know your dick the same way you know *********.

[silenced]

That conversation with my mum did not go so well - despite planning it for almost 2 weeks. Planned every single little detail of what I was going to say and every response I would give to any of the questions she could possibly ask. And I couldnt go through with it in the end. Gosh. Im such a retard......why can't I be strong and just DO IT! Cant someone help me and do it with me?

[t0xy]

I really should be sleeping.

But i'm not.

My past keeps coming to me in flashes.
Not the more recent stuff...but...pre...17 these days.
I won't let it drag me down...I can't.
Why is it bubbling through my mind now? That son of a bitch. That bastard. The two. Forgive them selfishly, to get a reward from Allah swt, or to be forgiven by Him. Yeah...or...to just forgive so it doesn't eat away at me?
Ha, and smug b____s like to judge me and act holier than thou, well a niqab and knowing how to speak arabic does not maketh a muslim Thank Allah.

Urgh get the word 'Chyni' out of my HEAD I knew getting on skype was a bad idea and then using hotmail to get a list of potential contacts.NO. URGH. I will not go down that road. Its done, its dusted, its over with. I don't need to know how you are. Don't need to know if you back in prison and probably won't be coming out because lets face it, a slap on the wrist or being on remand for a long time is not going to do NOTHING. I don't need to know anything. Forget it. OVER. NO. NO.
It's all just one big illusion.
I know you're banged up again i just know it. Well then if thats the case maybe you will meet a nice revert brother who will introduce you to the joys of Islam and then you will become a Muslim and spend your days reading the Quran.
This is nuts I'm nuts
I mean, the last time we spoke, okay briefly...and wrongly...you did say...you...did...what..you did... Whatever, I DON'T CARE. Meh.
Meh?

[silenced]

Fuck aboutttttt...OMG its been less than a week and im dyingggggg. I wana smoke a zoot man. Im bored of being religious for 18 hours of a day already. I wanna go out partyingggg and getting fucked off my head

I got kicked out of home/hostels/relatives places about 5 times in the last 2 months. And I never learn. I never fucking learn.....but i cant help it, i have so much energy....im like this coz if im not i'd be a depressed shit remembering that dutty man hurting me. I'd much rather have haram fun than haram thoughts u get me??? 40 minutes.....and im gonna smoke a menthol....yeh man.

[Baji_Me]

Sigh. It's all an act. You don't know. I look happy....but I'm far from it.

I wish they would realise that they are the cause of my bad health. I'm always so upset. They frustrate me so much. Nobody understands how difficult it is for me to listen to their lectures and witness their arrogance. I understand I'm not the easiest of people to live with but they provoke me so much .

You know.....I haven't felt like this in a long time. Living out at uni was shit but at least I didn't wanna die. The thought of killing myself never once crossed my mind. Now....sigh. I'm such a wuss. My life isn't even half bad. I have everything I could ever want. My parents aren't even that strict. It's just when they expect me to be something I am not... that drives me crazy. F*uck sake...i've only been home a week and we've stopped speaking twice. My head hurts so much I wanna cry so bad. I just wanna scream. Sigh. It's because of you that I don't ever want to get married. It's because of the pressure you put on me that I feel the need to break free. Wtf would I get married? To put up with a husband and his family? I'd rather effing not. YOOOOOOUUUUUU make me this way!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF*CCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!! I don't want a husband. I don't want kids. I just want to be left alone. And that is how it will be. P*ss the world.

Whatever.