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[pinkygirl]

Errr Saad, steady on you sounded quite judgemental in your first post! We all make mistakes in life, from leaving the milk out - whoops! to other things. Anyway when it comes to personal issues I dont think we have the right to judge each other - that's what god is there for. Anna shouldn't need to justfiy herself to you or anyone else here. And she has come for advice so no need for us to point the finger! plus who listens to advice from someone who picks out your faults in a judegmental way???

hope you understand wot i mean?

[Saad]

Fair point pinky, I was having a bad day, and forgot to wear my non-judgemental hat here when offering advise, guess I slipped up.

[anna_a1]

Thank you

I have been trying to give the ex time and chances for months now, but he just doesnt try hard enough. he says he wants to be with me, but then he'll not contact me for like 2 weeks saying he didnt know what to say, or if he wants to meet up to talk then something will come up and he keeps rescheduling. I just can be bothered i dont see whats the point if he cant put in the effort himself

[anna_a1]

I'll tell you why this is so difficult ... The man i was engaged to seemed like it would all work out right - hes muslim, same background, good family, he has a good job, etc ... It seemed ideal, and my family had met him a few times and it was all just waiting for the go ahead with his family when they could make it here (from pakistan).

But we just kept having arguements and stuff for quite a while they would come and go, and i realised that were just very different people - im quite independant, modern, western, outgoing, i am creative, expressive, i like to talk about our issues etc .... Whilst hes the opposite, so we were always clashing on these things and issues would be made 10 times worse bcoz for example we have a problem and he just wants to ignore it, doesnt want to deal with issues and talk about them bcoz of the fear it will turn into an arguement! And it also gets really draining when you are always the one coming up with all the ideas and doing all the work while he doesnt return the favour. and thats why i took that big step in saying maybe this isnt right ... and i stepped out of the relationship. Not to say that had to be a forever decision, but at least for now.

The issue here with the new guy is that he is more similar to me in terms of personality, views, life goals etc. For example, i cant wait to have kids, and i like the idea of going abroad to do charity work - BOTH of which this new guy wants, and is actually going to do charity work for a month next week! My ex said he would never do charity work, and he would have kids but isnt actually bothered it would be more for me! I know that he would probably change his mind as soon as he saw the baby, but he doesnt have that innate desire in him for children now anyway.

The new guy the main issue is just the scary part of the immense culture clash and the racism that exists around my own family alone ... im not saying it would stop me from being with him if it got to that stage that im in love with him or something - im not there yet, im trying to protect myself from now . But it does scare me

[Saad]

I see your in a right muddle, what guys hate is for a girl to be playing them or comparing them to another, actually i think girls hate that too if it was vice versa, just human nature at the end of the day. We are all different, and it's okay to have doubts in a relationship, but it appears your heart is still with the ex, as you seem to be convincing yourself he can change for instance with regards to baby.

Charity work is personal thing, you can hardly impose that on your partner, it comes from the heart, and what we feel, and at least the "ex" is honest about these things/views with you and simply not appeasing you.

You should ask yourself, do you genuinely think he FEARS an argument erupting because he doesnt want to lose you. Or as I may suspect, he avoids certain topics, because he just doesnt want to change is own view point and is stubborn, so rather not bring them up. Once married all these topics will resurface so if he's serious about you, he should see by not discussing them and being flexible he may be losing you.... and some guys are blind.. so give him benefit of doubt and just explain this to him and see if there is a change and you'll have your answer.

Just think if the other guy wasnt in your life, would you be having these same doubts, or does comparing your ex to him, complicate things. It's normal to assume things may be better with someone more flexible, but every relationship would have its up and downs, 3 years is a long time to get to know one another tho, is really time you decided whether he's for you or not, he clearly still thinks your for him, so really its down to you.

As for the other guy, my main issue would be about his religion as a muslim woman can only ever marry a muslim man. But your doing the right thing, just address the situation with ex first and firmly reach a decision before even considering anyone else.

You shouldn't marry your ex, afraid you wont find anyone better. Same way you shouldnt think about love/marriage with another man whilst still thinking about your ex.

If the new man turns to islam, becomes muslim, and you two really do click like you imagine then with Allah's help you can overcome even the hardest of parents and views, because all parents just want to see children happy, and will accept in time.

Pray this Ramadan and ask for Allah's guidance

[Saad]

Also just to add and speaking broadly of society today, I think girls get carried away thinking, they are the princesses and a guy should love them no matter what, arguments and disputes can actually be blessings and good things that take place, because neither is being fake, and just airing out their differences. I would hate to see guys rolled over by a woman same way I would hate a woman to be rolled over in love with a man, and when that honeymoon phase is over, for real personalities to surface and arguments to take place then.