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[RevertedBrother]

Salaam,

That's an interesting situation. Firstly, do you have a brother who could talk to him about this? If you do, it may be easier for your cousin to relate to your brother's view (i.e. he may open up a bit more, and another male will probably have a deeper understanding over how your cousin [a male] feels).

If not, well you can give it a shot (I'm presuming you two are very close, in a brother/sister like way?)

Start a general conversation first, and then transition into the real deal.

Gently ask him if he honestly knew Islam's stance on the matter. Ask him what he thinks about it (i.e. you show you value his opinion). If he does not know, you can introduce Islam's stance in an interesting way. When you do, say it as if your just relaying how you gradually understood what Islam says on the matter, and why (i.e. your own personal experience with understanding it).

This way, he won't feel too defensive because you're not directly accusing him, and may respect your own insights and experience (even though it's actually Islam's stance).

Ex. Your cousin says, "I dunno, I'm guessing it's allowed, why wouldn't it be?"

You say, "Oh, that's an interesting perspective. You know, I wasn't completely sure, and so I had to look into the matter. It turns out Islam seems to discourage pre-marital relationships. I had to really think about why this was. But, I think this is why..."

When you do this, make sure its in a very non-accusing way, but in an understanding way. Your tone of voice, and body language will express this (ex. fold one arm across your upper stomach, and place the elbow of the other arm on the folded arm, and hold your chin - the "thinking/interested" posture).

You'll have to figure out exactly what to say, but here are some rational ways to look at the matter:

Firstly, IF he asks for proof:

1) Cite the Qur'an: (An-Nur 24: 30-31) [sometimes looking at the opposite sex is necessary, professional or academic reasons, listening to them when they address you about some important matter etc.)

Logic: If Muslims are instructed to lower their gaze in conjunction with guarding their sexual organs, does it follow that Islam would permit pre-marital relationships which very much encourage pre-marital sex? Such relationships necessitate looking at (with sexual attraction) and spending time alone with your girlfriend or boyfriend.

Also cite:

"A narration in Khisal of Sadooq says: There are three instances when I don’t leave a man until he commits a sin. One is staying with an alien woman in privacy.”

Now that, that's established, let's expand on some reasons as to why Islam doesn't allow dating.

Islam knows that humans are social beings. Relationships are thus, essential to human nature. Relationships can be helpful or harmful by hurting a human physically, emotionally, or perhaps spiritually. So, Islam prescribes codes of conduct when interacting with other humans, so as to preserve the individual (physically, mentally, psychologically, and spiritually etc.) and society (in the same ways).

Spiritual health on the social level relies on wholesome relationships characterized by commitment, understanding, and thus, love. These relationships last, and are not established just for the individual's selfish gratification (which damages the individual, or the 2nd party in the relationship one of the ways mentioned).

The psychologist Erich Fromm once stated:

"To love a person productively implies to care and to feel responsible for his life, not only for his physical powers but for the growth and development of all his human powers."

If you look at how most dating-based relationships start out, however, you're realize that they are open to a lot of abuse, and instability. Most start out through physical attraction, and vulnerable teenagers who are still figuring themselves out, engage in a relationship that they were never truly committed to, to begin with. Experienced elders are absent to facilitate the process, and give advice which oversees whether the two are really compatible. So most of the time, the teens are left on their own, with only the limited advice from their friends (who are also subject to such relationships).

They start out experimenting with the ideas of love they've already been conditioned to believe in (music, movies, TV shows, popular culture in general). Both (the guy and girl) often have very different expectations to begin with. The guy: sex, and then love, the girl: love and finding self-worth, and sex is way of expressing this.

If they've had previous relationships that have ended because of a) a lack of seriousness b) lack of responsibility c) a lack of commitment d) a lack of compatibility etc. (all which are really just variations of the other), they have even more distorted expectations and perceptions of "what is OK" in a relationship and what is NOT.

On top of all this, they have plenty of other pressures, which a stable relationship can help with (like marriage), but an unstable one can contribute to. Dating is often only viewed as a game (not consciously always, but subconsciously). Teens would never look at "dating" and "marriage" the same way, as they would freak out at the thought of being married already. They have yet to be mature enough to handle the struggles of marriage and establishing a family.

Yet, often dating and casual dating often contribute to the higher divorce rates, and notion that the workplace is far more superior to the family. Why? Because for many, dating is way of expressing THEIR needs (sexual, emotional etc.) in an unstable way which is bound to end up badly. Just look at how many teens become emotionally damaged from broken relationships, and how the pattern continues. Teenage girls who lack fathers are especially prone to falling for the first guy who approves of them and tells them they love them. Look at all the teen pregnancy rates, and STD's being propagated amongst the youth. Look at all the broken families in the West these days. The divorce rates, the extra-marital sex rates (i.e. affairs). In fact, marriage is now viewed as just a contract on paper because it brings no real value that people cannot find in dating. It loses it's special appeal, and role in protecting the rights of both parties involved etc. etc. etc. There are no legal punishments for cheating and sneaking around.

Do you now see what I'm getting at? Dating offers NO stability, NO protection for either party involved, NO true responsibility or reason to stick around. Islam realizes the problem of this instability in regards to relationships. That's why it prescribes marriage as a legal license for sexuality and expressing love between a man and a woman. When marriage becomes a contract between, not only the humans involved, but also God, it is looked at in an entirely different way. There are thus, material, and spiritual responsibilities a husband and wife must fulfill. Starting a family is one of the most important functions of a stable relationship because it signifies love. In fact, relationships are the most fundamental aspects of this Universe.

There are relationships between physical laws (of course not personal relationships), molecular particles, animals, and personal relationships between humans. Yet, the most fundamental relationship is between the Creation and the Creator - Allah.

This is why Islam values relationships on such a basic level, because they describe Reality and all its meaning. Now, that may be a bit too complicated, but if you can grasp the basic idea in that message, and present it to your cousin in an understanding way, I think he'll see the wisdom behind it. That will also clarify that you are not interested in dating in this way, either.

Salaam, and I hope this reaches you well!

RevertedBrother

[Zoya15]

thank you .... this ws very helpful
unfortunatly i do not ahve a brother to talk to him but recently i have spoken to him and hes told be to butt out of his life and said its him who's getting punished so i should just stay out of it :S

[Zoya15]

Send me there parent's addresses... I wouldn't joke about sorting something out.

lol !!!!! i dont think he's ready to listen to anyone ,,, ive tried and hes not willing of changing what he's doing

[Learning]

Salam

Forgive me if this has already been mentioned, I haven't caught up on recent posts. But have you tried suggesting maybe going about it in the right way? So, like making the relationship something more serious?

Islamically, it is our duty to conceal his sins unless you cannot have an effect on him and make him stop. If you really can't help him; maybe inform a close friend of his or someone you know he listens to.

He may hold it against for you a while but in the long run, it's worth it and he will thank you some day.

[Zoya15]

i know thats the only reason im actually worried about it and am trying to get him to stop everything

[Saresh]

Edited.

[Learning]

I think due to the anonymity and lack of detail, it's ok.

[Zoya15]

Edited.

[Learning]

Everyone is entitled to share whatever they wish for on here, we have little limitations. Anyhow, I shall edit both posts to be on the safe side.

Regards,
Learning.

[Zoya15]

thanks learning