The Coolest online space for Muslim Youth!

[t0xy]

[Baji_Me]

...
Good to be home.

*sigh*

Life is so confusing. Im not quite sure what to do any more. Im empty within.

I dont care about anyone. I've lost all my good friends. Or rather i left them. Its just so hard having people rely on you. I dont wanna own anyone. Nor do i want to be owned. I dont want to owe anyone anything. Nor do i want them to owe me anything. I dont want to hold grudges. But its exactly what im doing. You dont know this. But i often sit here thinkin...argh! I hate u so much....*sigh*....but ul be non the wiser because i show u love. I wish i didnt. I wish i cud jus show u my real face. But i guess a part of me is still fightin for the good. Oh how i miss the old me. I miss me like i was my own best friend. That i lost....

Im no longer afraid of the dark. I dont sense it in my room anymore. Alhamdulillah. But i cant help but wonder....
For quite some time now iv been saying that i dont want kids. N il say again tomorrow. Have i cursed myself?...or cud i sense what was to be?....because the way things are going...i wont be having children. On the plus side, yeahy me!...coz noone willl wanna marry me woo!

Oh yes, mum says i have 6months to find myself a decent lad . Like thats gonna happen . So it seems il be forced to marry some random guy off the steet. Im not gonna decline. I cant be bothered fighting anymore. As days pass by i find myself hating men more than ever. But the guilt becomes overwhelming. That my mum feels as though she will be punished for my mistakes ....

[t0xy]

[Baji_Me]

What life has taught me today...and what i will most definately forget tmro is...to always go with my gut instinct. Gosh.

Fone rings. I answer.
Me-Hello?
Person- Asamualaikum
Me- Walaikumasalaam....*10second silence*<---at which point it wud have be appropriate to ask who is speakin??
Person- Who am i speakin to? (in urdu)
Me- "name"....*silence*.....
Person- Oh ___ its me bilal (cousin from pak). How are you??
Me- Oh bilal im ok. How are you?
Person- Alhamdulillah im well. So how....*I interrupt*
Me- Ok jus gimme a sec il give it to mum. bye


The end. N then i ask myself why ppl bak home think im a tart . I jut dont feel comfortable talkin in any language other than eng. Gosh. Anyways. This would be the cousin my mum wanted/wants me to marry. I think thats reason enough to avoid small talk with him. I feel really bad. Think he feels disrespected after the fone call??...strange thing is....i now regret turning down the offer. This ALWAYS happens. Whenever mum says the final no...i end up changing my mind. Argh! Do i dare tell mum that i dont mind marrying him? Its hard to figure her reaction. She'l either be thank goodness uv changed ur mind...or biatch u had ur chance now suffer! Oh lord....So confused.

Overtime tmro. Hmmm... love him love him loooove hiiiiiiiim. If only i cud turn bak the hands of time

[Baji_Me]

Gosh. This is too difficult. I just....dont want to be around anyone. Its a physical strain to even look at somone. I just want to be left alone. What is wrong with me ...

Roonie thinks its funny that i get angry when no food is on the table when i get home from work. I think its ridiculous that i still expect my mother to make my food. I mean im 23. I should be running this house. I should be making food for her....but no. And its upsetting me. A lot. I cant control my feelings. I cant control my anger.

Two days ago dad picked me up from work. And my car seat was down....so i shouted at him. I wont go through what thoughts ran through my head .

Day before yesterday i come home from work. I see dads duvet in my room. N i KNOW my sister is going to knock on my door and ask for it. N when she does...i bark at her. N throw the duvet into the hall way. That night i dont get to sleep till 4am. Not being able to sleep coz i cant figure out why i reacted that way. Especially when i was expecting her....*sigh*

Yday. Dad brings me home from work. Im starving. Nothing is made. I think ok. There must be naan. There is always naan. But no....there was no naan. I just wanted to SCREAM! As i turn around my dads standing there staring at me from the corner of his eyes. I bit my tongue so hard it started bleeding..otherwise in my head i was tellin him to get the hell out of my face. I decide to go to sleep. But im so frustrated that i decide to walk around in my room . I get the hot water bottle from mums room....and she asks whats the matter with me. Hmm...i wonder how she knew. I ignore her, say goodnight then go down to fill bottle. The thoughts running through my mind were scary. I was considering walking out of the house.....but anyways. I decide to eat a biscuit but god knows what came over me...i grab the packet n repeatedly bang it on the table. Wanting to scream and curse the world....imagining punching somebodys face....the biscuits are now teeny crumbs. Lets feed the birds.

I come up. Lock my door...n surf the net. 2am...mum knocks on my door ...asks why im so upset ...i tell her im not upset and that i cant sleep. N she asks if im hungry ,,,W,TF! I scream at her. Asking why the HELL she is askin me if im hungry when there is nothing made! ....i tell her to go to sleep and close the door.

This morning.I go down to make weetabix. Brother is using my bowl. Wonderful. Im suicidal yet again. I have a thought to smash the bowl over his head. I hear dad speaking in one room. And brother eating in the other. Mum in the kitchen. I feel trapped. I have nowhere to go. My head starts spinning. I eat my weetabix upstairs in my freezing cold room. Its so cold here that u can see ur breath as u breath. But i dont feel cold If that makes any sense. Although my head does feel heavy.

So thats me. N i dont knw what to do. I want to go down and help mum with the chores. But i cant. I cant stand the sight of her...or anyone else. I dont like feeling this way..... i jus wanna feel so much pysical pain that i dont have to endure this mental strain. I jus wanna bury my head in the snow outside.....i wanna fall into a black hole. Im almost done building my home in jahannam. I mean...what sin havnt i commmited? I left islam once, whats to say i wont do it again. I disrespect my parents. I dont pray. I swear. I backbite. Its no wonder that im always ill. Curse be upon me. I deserve all this sh! thats happening to me.

[Baji_Me]

...

I think i've finally hit rock bottom. The last few days have been horrible. Actually ever since that incident at work...i've become so paranoid and insecure. Oh...the incident where a customer questioned why i wear a hijab. Expressed how sick and tired he is of us muslims disrespecting the english culture. And dared me to go live in France basically.

Im not who i used to be. This is the third time my character has changed. Now i wont even stick up for myself. Where's the girl who represented islam with all her heart. If not her...where's the girl who would have slapped your face in if you said one word of insult to her. And who is this girl who hides away. Refuses to leave the house. Lives in fear....

I've cried a thousand rivers in the last 3 days. Not at home...but out there. Work has become unbearable. My sypervisor took me to one side and had to listen to 20mins worth of me crying and shouting and screaming and cursing management. She decided to put me in a quieter store to give me peace of mind. Then yday...after being disrespected by some guy who works at the underground...i walked into work literally suicidal. I clawed at my legs....punched the door....and fell to the floor. That was in the wash room. After which i walked into the staffroom...and jus sat there. Head in my hands....wanting to go back and punch that guys face. Honest to goodness..these ppl are lucky i am muslim. If it was not for Allah..the lord that they deny...i would have.....*sigh*.
I called supervisor and told her i was in know fit state to work....she obv took my words lightly. An hour later...the room starts spinning again. I could feel myself rocking back and forth...i leave the store...tears streaming down my cheeks....and thats it. I fell to the floor again. Crying like theres no tmro...not being able to breath...choking on air....head felt heavy...thumping. And then i froze. Everything stopped around me. I rememeber tellin myself to get up...but i couldnt. I jus sat there...focusing on one spot....for i dont know how long.
Eventually walked bak to the shop floor....and again....a few hours later..i get a sweet customer...but i start crying in front of her ..not barling...im laughing and smiling....but the eyes are leaking. Stupid supervisor came down when the episode ended...n i was thinking u stupid cow....i hate u all for putting me through this. A point to note....If this had happened a few weeks ago..i wud have walked out and said im sorry i cant work like this. But now....im this weak little thing who can be pushed around.... gosh. Wats to become of me.

The End

I may even be dead by the end of this year. I just pray that i die in the state of islam. I just pray that although it may look like suicide to everyone else...that the almighty know that it wasnt me. That i cant control myself...or my feelings. That i dont want to end life now...but at that time of day..every day...i start wondering....

[pinkygirl]

Hey baji,
i’m so sorry to hear bout wot u are going thru’. Thank you for sharing your wot u’ve been thru and ur thoughts on it with us. I don’t know if its any consolation but I get it a lot too u know ppl on the bus saying things like ‘y do u wear that on ur head?’ its hard and I think u r so strong to have to deal with it in a shop and where u work, esp when u don’t get any support. You’re not the only one that has to put with this stuff and its not right no one should have to. Its only natural that it wud upset us so much, it sounds like u have a lot to deal with and u going thru a really difficult time, hav u thut about reporting the way u were treated to anyone?
sometimes I think its so silly who’s gonna want to listen to me cry or talk about wot’s going on in my head, but when I do talk about it with my friends then it really helps and I know I’m not alone. do u have any other support from mates or ppl at home who might be going through similar things as you? U mentioned not knowing who u r, and not leaving the hse, is there anything else going for u that’s making u feel that way?
U spoke about feeling suicidal in ur post thanks u for writing bout ur feelings, its so good that u could come and share with us and I hope wen u feel really down and suicidal u come speak to us first again, there’s probably a few of us on here who feel the same but find it really hard to express ourselves, but sharing with someone else just takes off the burden. I hope u don’t mind me asking, have u thut about talking to ur doctor about it or a counsellor ?

take care sis
pinky

[The_Sophisticated_Me]

SEARCHING FOR KNOWLEDGE IN SOCIAL LIFE !!!

[The_Sophisticated_Me]

BAJI !!!!!!!!

EVERY TRUE MUSLIM IS BROUGHT TO THE EXAMINATION OF FAITH !!! BY ALLAH OFCOURSE .

BAJI TRY TO ANSWER THEM THAT THEY WOULDNT GET ANGRY OR GET DISTRESSED, RATHER REPLY IN A CONVINCING MANNER !!!

I KNOW ITS PRETTY MUCH HARD OUT THERE BUT TRUE MUSLIMS ARE EXAMINED TO THE LIMIT THAT IS PUT BY ALLAH.

[The_Sophisticated_Me]

I WAS HAVING SOME FRIENDS I.E. IN HUNDREDS, BUT I NEVER FOUND ANYONE WORTHY OF LIVING AS A TRUE MUSLIM OR ****EVEN TRYING****....

WITH THE PASSAGE OF TIME, ONE BY ONE, BECAME MY ENEMY ( WHEN I TRIED TO TELL THEM TO PLEASE ATLEAST OFFER YOUR PRAYERS) THEY ALWAYS REPLIED *I HAVE A FATHER, DONT BE A MAULANA* and it obviously turned me down or up very high that i thought i was gonna hit him in the face , BUT '''WASBIRU INNALLAHA MA'AS SABIREEN'''...

...I NEVER FOUGHT ANYONE AT ISLAM !!!

THE REAL THING COMES NOW, I TOLD MY BIG B THE WHOLE STORY, HE ADVISED ME SOMETHING THAT MY NAFS DIDNT WANT TO ACCEPT AT ALL, HE TOLD ME THAT WHEN YOU WANT HIDAYAAH FOR SOMEONE JUST PRAY, AND IF YOU HAVE FRIENDS THAT DISHEART YOU IN GUIDING THEM, HE SAID; CRY TO ALLAH FOR HIS HIDAYAAH. AND INSHALLAH SOONER OR LATER, HE WILL BE GUIDED !!!

I TRIED IT **BUT I THOUGHT HOW AM I GOING TO CRY FOR SOMEONE WHO DISLIKES AND FIGHTS AND QUARRELS WITH ME ALL THOSE TIMES I SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ISLAM*** BUT I DID TRY AND SHED AN ONLY SINGLE TEAR *I REMEMBER IT*... NEXT DAY WHEN I MET HIM, HE WAS SMILING AND SAID SORRY TO ME FOR COMMENTING THINGS THAT RESULTS IN WAR INSTEAD OF PEACE.

TRY IT ! BUT WITH DEVOTION !