Campaigns Blog

"I was alone."

Below, is something submitted by a user that has chosen to remain anonymous for world mental health day. Various issues like this are more common than we think, and this but one of many examples as to why we should start a chain reaction.

"I knew that I needed help a long time before anyone else was able to spot it. I ignored it. I convinced myself I was being dramatic, that I was just seeking attention. I told myself I was fine and continued lying to myself. Everything was up and down, it had been like that for a long time. But no one around me seemed to notice, I guess I was a good actress. But I wasn’t acting. Or maybe I was. Was it all in my head? But didn’t that mean I needed help? It was confusing. A rush of thoughts all at one time. No organisation. No clarity. My brain was constantly on overdrive. Everything was suffering.

Sleeping. I didn’t sleep much. Even when I did, was I really sleeping? It felt like I was awake. I was definitely conscious. And the nightmares. They came, they didn’t stop coming. The flashbacks. I would try and shake them out, physically, but it didn’t make a difference. I felt like I was a victim. But if I was being dramatic, what would people think of me? If I did need help, how would they see me? Why was I so weak? I can be strong alone. Or so I thought...

My concentration too. I could never concentrate on anything. I just couldn’t. People told me I was lazy, that I had no care about responsibility or no commitment towards my education. They were wrong because I wanted to prove to the world that I could survive. But I couldn’t. But again, why was I feeling like this?

For so many years, I went on with these thoughts around in my head. I was alone. I didn’t know where I could go. I didn’t know who I could talk to. I didn’t want to be a source of gossip, a source of pity. I didn’t want to cause trouble to anyone else. If my life was difficult (was it even difficult?) then there was no reason for me to make anyone else’s life the same. The pretence could keep going, even if I was only the one that knew."